


thinkin' i could be okay with just a dream

by zennie



Series: you and i collide [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-07 03:29:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12832362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zennie/pseuds/zennie
Summary: Part two of a series of stories about how Alex and Maggie find their way back to each other. Post 3x05 fix-its.Maggie sees Alex every few months. It's hard, for both of them.Inspired by this quote from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. “I was waiting. I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired, and I turn the corner in Istanbul and there you are, I won't be surprised. Because... you're with me, you know?” -Willow to OzNOTE: This is complete; I'll be posting a chapter a day because of the element of time incorporated into the story doesn't work for a 1-shot.





	1. One month

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Speed-written cuz NaNo and only lightly beta'd by Boxer (thanks hon!) so mistakes my own and might not be as tight as my norm. 
> 
> Note: I’m writing Alex as using drinking to cope with loss; I am not insinuating that she’s an alcoholic or has a drinking problem. That is not my interpretation of the character. 
> 
> Title taken from "Dear, Home" by the Exes. The playlist for this series is here: https://open.spotify.com/user/depot37/playlist/06WlMV4oO2FHfoV7Tveu7N

It was the fourth time Maggie had seen Alex in the alien bar in the last two weeks. She had refused to give it up, to lose yet one more thing that was hers, but it was hard when Alex had adopted it as hers too. It hurt to think that it had once been their’s, a place of happy memories and significant moments, and now it was just a space of shared pain.

Maggie didn’t think about how they should be on their honeymoon right now.

Alex’s eyes were glazed when she staggered to the bar, her limbs uncoordinated and clumsy as she caught herself from falling when she reached it. Alex was a mess. She didn’t look over to where Maggie was nursing a glass of scotch.

“Hit me.”

The bartender frowned and cast a sideways glance at Maggie. She discreetly shook her head. When he refused to serve Alex anything besides water, she finally acknowledged Maggie’s existence, lurching a few steps down the bar to stand before her, swaying on unsteady legs.

Maggie gazed up at her, her breath catching at their closeness. It was too much, too soon, and pain lanced through her. Alex’s hollow cheeks and empty eyes would have broken Maggie’s heart if she had one left to break.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Alex asked as she leaned over, the alcohol on her breath nearly toxic in its strength. Her attempt to intimidate didn’t work, not anymore. Not with Maggie.

“You’ve had enough.” Maggie’s words came out sharper than intended, and she moderated her tone. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

“I don’t need a babysitter. I need…” Alex sucked in breath, tears swimming in her eyes and threatening to fall. She didn’t complete her sentence, but she didn’t need to. The month since they had broken up had been hard, on both of them. It had wrecked them, in different ways. Alex had become needy, texting late at night when she was drunk. _I’m sorry. I miss you. I wish we could be together_.

In the dark, huddled under the comforter in her lonely bed, Maggie would get those messages and reply with _Go to sleep_ or _Make sure you drink water_. She never replied to the content of the messages. She couldn’t.

She had always imagined Alex would be the stronger of them if they separated. She forgot she had been through the creation and destruction of love many times, and Alex hadn’t. Just like her first crush had been shiny and new, her first heartbreak was devastating and torturous. Maggie hadn’t been able to stay away the first time, but she was managing now.

Maggie had dredged deep and found some inner core of strength and stoicism she didn’t know she had. Hitting rock bottom, alone and in agony, had given her an odd measure of freedom. Untethered, she started to climb up and out of the despair on her own, developing some form of inner peace. She balanced her self-destructive instincts, nights alone with a bottle and self-doubt, with yoga and a mediation class she hadn’t been able to drag Alex to. With teaching herself to cook Thai food. With anything and everything that could fill her days. It had helped. It had kept her sane.

But now Alex was in front of her, unbalanced and hurting, and it was so hard not to reach out and pull her into a hug, to comfort and reassure her. Some whisper of self-preservation kept Maggie from doing it. She refused to be dragged down by the undertow along with Alex.

“You need to go home and sleep it off, Alex.”

Alex looked like she wanted to argue, to fight, and Maggie braced for it. Alex’s hand fisted on the bar and she took a deep breath. Letting it out slowly, Alex deflated, nodding as her eyes fluttered closed. “You’re right.”

“Do you want me to call Kara?” Alex’s eyes snapped open and she shook her head so violently she nearly toppled. Maggie sighed, getting the answer to her question. “Will, will you let me help you?”

“I should… I can…” Her gaze was unfocused as she searched the bar. “I can get home by myself.”

Maggie sighed again. Alex was in her sad, angry, determined-to-do-everything-herself drunk mode. It usually didn’t end well, and Maggie couldn’t leave her alone. Maybe someday she would accept Alex wasn’t her responsibility anymore, but today was not that day.

Sliding off the barstool, Maggie gave a small wave to the bartender and headed for the door. Alex swayed, a stubborn cast to her features, for a moment before she followed.

Outside, the brisk November air seemed to sober Alex up. Or her stubborn pride held her up straighter and propelled her feet into a rough approximation of her normal stride. Either way, Maggie was glad she didn’t have to physically guide Alex as they walked toward her apartment.

Alex’s breathing was harsh in the stillness, and Maggie knew she was fighting back tears. Maggie knew because she was too. They were walking back to their home, and every step was full of memories and regret.

“How… how are you doing?” The question was tentative, afraid, yet infused with worry and concern. It hurt how much they still cared.

“I’m… okay,” Maggie said, and she was surprised that it rang true to her ears.

“That’s, that’s good. I wish…”

“Alex, don’t. Please don’t.”

Alex’s steps faltered, and she teetered on the edge of the sidewalk and nearly fell off the curb. Maggie caught her elbow and guided her away from the edge on instinct. Just that simple touch, one she might employ on a perp on the way to the police car or on a stranger who stumbled on the street, ripped open all the wounds that had just begun to heal. But she didn’t let go.

Even muted, the lights of the apartment lobby seemed too bright as they stepped off the street. Maggie’s hand punched the floor number without a second thought, just like the million of times she had done it before.

Finally, Alex spoke. “Why are you okay? How? I can’t…”

Maggie swept her hair back, behind her ear, and exhaled. “I’ve had to deal with it before.” She didn’t mention heartache had become second nature to her. “You’ll get over it, Alex. Eventually, that sharp pain you are feeling? It will fade. It will become a dull ache you only feel every once in a while. And then, one day, you won’t feel it at all.”

Alex shook her head, and Maggie wasn’t sure if it was because she didn’t believe it or if she just wanted to deny everything.

“It will happen. Just give it time.”

“I’m not sure I want that.”

“Alex…”

“Do you want that?”

“I need that.” The bell dinged and the doors opened. The walk down the hallway was only a few dozen feet, but it seemed so much longer. “I want to feel something besides empty. I want to forgive you.”

Alex jerked to a stop, just shy of her door, pulling Maggie up with her. “Forgive me?”

“For giving up. For proposing when you weren’t ready. When you weren’t really sure you wanted to be with me for the rest of your life.”

“I did, I do, I just..”

“Want kids, I know.” Maggie felt world-weary, and she heard the exhaustion in her voice. “We talked it through, remember? I can’t fight about it anymore. We decided we can’t be together and we aren’t.” That wasn’t the truth; Alex had decided and Maggie had agreed, finally, when there had been no use in arguing anymore.

Alex pulled out of her grip and stumbled over to slump against the wall, her shoulders hunched. “Are you there yet? Are you at the dull achy place? Is that why you are okay?”

The misery on her face, in her voice, stabbed into Maggie’s heart, unleashing the pain she had been trying, desperately, to hold back. She blew out a breath, trying to throttle the words threatening to break free. “What do you want me to say?”

“I want to know how you feel.”

“You want to know?” Something broke inside her, and Maggie’s hands darted out and slashed the air, like knives cutting at the space between them. “You really want to know?”

“Yeah.”

“I feel like my heart is shattered into a million pieces and each shard is rattling around and eviscerating me from the inside out. That’s how I feel. Happy?”

“No.” Alex’s eyes squeezed shut and her jaw tightened. “I’m not happy at all.”

“Yeah, well, me either.” Maggie grabbed Alex’s keys out of her hand and unlocked her door before handing them back. “I think you can find your way into your apartment by yourself.”

She strode down the hall toward the elevator, ignoring the sobbing behind her.


	2. Three months

Red and blue lights flashed across the parking lot that doubled as their crime scene, the lone victim being tended to by the emergency personnel. The police were there in a strictly clean-up capacity; Supergirl and the DEO had already captured the latest aliens to run rampaging through the city.

They had been lucky; the low-intelligence aliens called hunds, imported and trained for fighting, had been easy to corral in the parking lot near the warehouse that had doubled as a kennel.

Maggie appreciated the clean sweep of criminals who had set up the brutal fights and gamblers who had bet on them.

As she snapped a pair of cuffs on the last person to be arrested, Maggie glanced over to see Alex supervising the last of the cleanup. She looked less haggard, less.. broken, than she had the last time Maggie had seen her, during that fateful walk home.

It had been a couple of months since that night. The texts from Alex had stopped, Maggie had moved into a new place, in a different neighborhood, and she had been leading an investigation into a smuggling ring that had limited her exposure to the DEO. The time away had soothed the hurt, enough so that looking at Alex only felt like a kick to the gut.   
  
Alex lifted her head and caught Maggie’s gaze, returning it with a small smile and a wave of her fingers. Maggie hitched her chin and smiled back before handing off the suspect and heading back into the warehouse for a last sweep.

She was almost done when a commotion from the direction of the kennel had her sprinting across the warehouse, gun in her hand. A rookie, his weapon shaking in his hand, was backed up against the wall as something moved in the furthermost cage. A small bundle of blue fur, big black eyes, and even bigger ears waddled out of the cage, blinking into the bright beam of the flashlight. An impressive set of sharp teeth gleamed in the light as its hackles rose.

It was a baby, barely the size of a bobcat cub, but Maggie could feel the rookie tensing beside her. “Jenkins. Jenkins.” Maggie finally got his attention, and she eased his weapon down to point at the warehouse floor. “It’s okay. Holster your weapon,” she said as she did the same.

All the research suggested hunds were gentle, sweet animals unless trained for fighting and violence, much like pit bulls. Taking a step forward, she scrunched herself into as small of a figure as possible and held out her hand.

“Maggie, what are you doing?” Alex’s worried voice was barely a whisper from behind her.

“Trying not to spook it. Shhhh, it’s okay.” She took another step, and then another, until she was almost in reach of the sharp claws. Sinking down to her knees, she soothed first with the sound of her voice and then with her hands as the hund sniffed and then arched its small body into her palm.

It was too thin, already starved to start its training, and Maggie lifted it with ease. It snuggled into her warmth as a low rumble started from its chest. She stood, careful not to jostle the bundle in her arms. “Can you find some food around here? We need to feed him.”

“Her, actually.” Supergirl had returned, probably called by Alex to help round up another alien, only to find she wasn’t needed. “The females of the species are better fighters than the males.”

Alex huffed out a breath, glancing between her sister and Maggie with concern. Her hands were on her hips and her lips were pulled into a tight line.

“What?” Maggie asked softly as she stroked the soft fur.

“We have to…” Alex exhaled as Kara turned to look at her as well. “We’ll have to… put it down. All of them,” she explained, almost apologetically.

“What?!” Kara’s voice was a high-pitched squeak, and the animal in Maggie’s arms startled. Claws dug in, and she gritted her teeth as they broke the skin.

“What can we do with them, Kara? They…”

“Hey. Hey!” Maggie interrupted as the tension between the sisters threatened to turn into an argument. “Quiet, please?” She rubbed the hund under its chin, and it calmed and released its grip on her arm.

“Maggie, you’re bleeding,” Alex pointed out.

“By all accounts, they are trainable, intelligent, and loyal. They are rarely violent unless abused and forced into fighting. There should be a way to rehabilitate them.” As if on cue, the hund in her arms nuzzled her chin and licked her face.

“Who’s going to do that?”

“Me, for one.”

“And they can’t really hurt me,” Kara chimed in.

Alex looked between the two of them, impatience clear on her face. “Yeah, cuz that’s a great use of your time, Kara. And Maggie…” The little alien shrank into Maggie as Alex took a step forward, and she stopped with a sigh. “Let me guess, you are going to adopt her?”

Maggie just smirked as Kara came up to rub the soft fur between her ears. “Oh, what are you going to name her?” she asked as Alex rolled her eyes and walked off. “You know, with that blue fur and big ears, she looks a little like the alien from _Lilo and Stitch_.”

A louder rumble started from the hund’s throat, and Maggie chuckled. “You think I should name her Stitch?”

“Totally.” Kara smiled, that 1000-watt smile that made everyone around her putty in her hands. It had rarely been directed at Maggie in the past, as their relationship had always been a little tense and strained. But now, it was working its magic. “I could help, if, if you want. I always... wanted a puppy.”

“You know, this species might make good police dogs. They have a superior sense of smell from what little I could find to read.”

“And excellent hearing.”

“We could,” Maggie shrugged, “retrain them together.” Her smile beamed even brighter at the suggestion, and Kara wrapped her in an unexpected hug, earning her a yelp from the alien? puppy? cub? In Maggie’s arms. “But I think we better feed little Stitch first.”

A few minutes later, Maggie sat on the bumper of the ambulance as the EMT cleaned and bandaged the cuts on her arm. Kara was hovering over Stitch, slowly parcelling out food so she wouldn’t eat too fast. Alex sauntered over and settled beside Maggie, crossing her arms over her chest. “That thing is going to grow up to be the size of a puma, maybe even a Great Dane. You aren’t going to have room in your apartment for it.”

“You haven’t seen my new place.” Alex winced at the reminder of the distance between them, but Maggie continued like she didn’t notice. “I even have a small yard.”

“It will eat like Kara.”

“I’ll manage.” Maggie stood, flexing her arm under the bandage. With a quick thank-you to the EMT, she started to walk away toward Kara and the little alien, only to be stopped by Alex’s voice from behind her.

“Just... be careful? Please?” Maggie half-turned to see the worry creasing Alex’s face. “It’s an alien. Raising an alien comes with some risks.” Alex glanced down to where Kara was down on all fours, making faces at Stitch. “I would know, after all.”

“I’ll be careful.”

Alex nodded and pushed up off the bumper, heading in the opposite direction.

Maggie let her get a couple of steps before calling after. “Hey, Alex? Thanks.”


	3. Five months

Rain clouds blotted out the sun, and a chilly breeze kicked up. Grey skies stretched as far as the eye could see. January in National City was usually warmer and sunnier, but today felt more like Nebraska than California.

Maggie blew on her hands while she waited for Stitch to bring the ball back. The neighborhood park was almost too small for Stitch’s speed and range, but it was close to her house and most of the neighbors had gotten used to an alien barrelling across the grass.

Most, but not all, Maggie thought as a curtain rustled in Mr. Wren’s window. He could complain as much as he wanted about the leash laws, but Stitch was wearing her police harness and his yelling would go nowhere. The puppy–Maggie had finally settled on that–was growing quickly, her bright blue fur starting to molt into a deep indigo that was almost black in the dark. Her head reached Maggie’s knee now, although not Kara’s.

She hadn’t grown into her ears yet, though. They still flopped ridiciously around her head. Kara loved to play with them when she came by for the occasional movie night.

It was weird, having a closer friendship with Kara now that her relationship with Alex was over. They didn’t talk about it, though, and Alex never showed up with her sister.

Maggie’s captain thought she was crazy, but J’onn had agreed to the retraining plan, apparently on the strength of Kara’s pout. A kennel had been set up at the desert base, and an agent Vasquez had been put in charge.

Kara’s pout apparently hadn’t worked as well on Director Lane, who scowled whenever Maggie showed up with Stitch for training. The retraining of the older hunds, with the help of instructors from the academy and seasoned canine officers, was going well. With their long claws and superior digging ability, most were destined for search-and-rescue operations.

The ball dropped in front of her and Stitch jumped back and forth in anticipation. She had been cooped up most of the day, stuck under the desk while Maggie worked on paperwork, and Maggie knew they would be out for a good long while. Picking up the ball, she threw it across the park.

“Hey.” Maggie started at the soft voice behind her, turning to find Alex standing on the edge of the sidewalk, her coat zipped up and her hair blowing across her eyes with the damp wind. She offered Maggie one of the two cups she held in her hands. “Kara is dealing with an emergency in Metropolis.”

Maggie’s nose scrunched up in confusion but she took the cup that was offered to her.

“She said she owed you a hot chocolate.”

“You didn’t have to…”

Alex shrugged and looked off in the distance before fixing on Maggie again. “I wanted to.” Her lips quirked into a shy smile as Stitch came roaring back toward them. “I was wrong about them. I’m glad I was.”

“She’s a good girl,” Maggie agreed as she took a sip, a hint of salt and caramel infusing the chocolate.

“Yeah.”

The ball dropped again, but this time it ended up between Alex’s feet, and she looked down in surprise. Maggie shrugged as Stitch danced in front of Alex. “Your turn.”

Alex teased the puppy with the ball, pretending to throw it, until Stitch caught it in her teeth and they wrestled for it. A squeal of un-Alex-like laughter bubbled up from her throat until she got the ball loose and sent it flying.

“Thanks.” Maggie toasted Alex, keeping both hands wrapped firmly around the cup. “I regretted not bringing gloves. And this is my favorite.”

“I remember.”

A pang of longing hit Maggie square in the gut at the wistful tone in Alex’s voice. She drew in a breath to respond, but luckily Stitch interrupted them. Once the puppy was chasing her ball again, they shifted to safer topics, like cases and the retraining program.

The first raindrop splattered on Maggie’s nearly-empty cup, and the second struck her cheek. “Damn.” Maggie gave Alex an apologetic look before grabbing her hand and whistling for Stitch. “Come on!”

They dashed through the park and across the street as heavy drops pelted their hair. Leading the way, Maggie pulled Alex up the steps to her door, laughing when Alex pressed against her to avoid the rain.

A second later, the laughter fell away as Alex’s gaze flitted to her lips and then back to her eyes, the desire unmistakable. But that one, heated glance was all that passed between them.

Alex took a deep breath and stepped back, giving Maggie room to turn and open the door. Stitch pushed through their legs and bounded into the townhouse while Maggie slipped her boots off at the door. “There’s towels in the bathroom if you want to dry off.”

Alex hesitated. “I should go. I…”

“It’s pouring.” Maggie pointed out as the sky opened and the rain intensified outside the windows. “Please?”

Nodding, Alex headed to the bathroom while Maggie followed Stitch into the ground floor bedroom. She had converted it to a home office and workout room, but that was before Stitch had showed up. Now it was the dog room. She grabbed a fluffy towel from a stack to dry the puppy off. Each muddy paw needed special attention, but Stitch wanted to play, so it took a lot longer than it should have.

Maggie felt eyes on her as she gave Stitch a final rub and a treat from the jar.

Alex leaned in the doorway, in stocking feet, her damp hair sticking out at the ends. Desire washed through Maggie’s veins and thundered her pulse in her ears. The hungry look in Alex’s eyes told her she wasn’t alone. Standing, she crossed the room on unsteady legs to pause in front of Alex, one hand braced against the doorframe.

“I, I’m seeing someone.”

Alex’s eyes fluttered closed, and she nodded. “I know. Kara told me.”

“She said you were dating someone too.”

Blinking, Alex fixed her gaze somewhere above Maggie’s head. “Yeah, I… am.” She inhaled and let it out slowly. “I should go.”

“It’s still pouring, Alex.” At the sound of her name, Alex met Maggie’s gaze. “It’s okay. This… thing, it’s just a reflex. Like muscle memory.”

“You think that’s it?” Alex’s voice dipped an octave lower, and if Maggie hadn’t been holding onto the doorframe, her knees would have buckled.

Maggie knew it wasn’t, but she nodded anyway. “It’ll fade. Just give it time.” It was safer, the comfortable lie instead of the heart-wrenching truth. They would never be out of each other’s systems, no matter how hard they tried.

Alex looked dubious, but she eased back to give Maggie breathing room and the tension dialed back a notch.

“Are you hungry? I have some beef stew in the crockpot.”

“Crockpot?” Alex couldn’t hide her smirk, not that she tried very hard. “That sounds suspiciously like cooking.”

Elbowing her way past Alex, Maggie headed into the living room. “Yeah, yeah, you want dinner or should I shove you back out into the storm?” She turned on the gas fireplace and stood in front as it warmed the space and dried her jeans.

“You wouldn’t do that,” Alex said smugly as she joined her, bumping their shoulders together.

“You never know.”

“I know,” Alex assured her with a cocky smile.

Damn, there it was again. The low rumble of Alex’s voice brought back memories of the easy teasing and bickering, and all the ways they had ended their mock fights. That pull was never going to go away. It charged the air around them and drew them close, like a gravitational force.

Suddenly, dinner sounded like a really bad idea, but she couldn’t rescind the invitation.

“Give me a sec to clean up?” Maggie didn’t wait for a reply before disappearing into the bathroom. Taking her time, she toweled her hair dry, tied it back in a ponytail, and changed into a fresh pair of jeans from the clean clothes stacked on the washer. She was almost surprised Alex was still there when she returned to the living room, half-expecting the other woman to have fled.

Maggie gave her a quick tour of the ground floor and fed Stitch before they set the table. As she brought the bowls to the table, she snagged a half-empty bottle of wine, stifling a pang of guilt. Her girlfriend had brought it over to celebrate their one-month anniversary a couple of nights ago.

Table set, Alex slid in across from her as Stitch settled at their feet with a contented sigh. Alex dug in like she hadn’t eaten in days, and Maggie grinned at how some things didn’t change. Both Danvers existed in a state of perpetual starvation.

“You could beat Kara in a eating contest,” Maggie teased as she refilled their plates.

“I kinda skipped lunch. And this is amazing.”

“So you’re dating? How’s that going?” Maggie wasn’t sure she wanted to know, but maybe if they talked about other people, the dinner would feel less like a date and more like two friends catching up.

Alex shifted in her chair and pursed her lips as she considered the question. “Good, good, it’s, ah, good. We’ve only gone on a couple of dates.”

“What’s she like?”

“Nice. She likes museums. Art.” Alex gave a helpless shrug, clearly uncomfortable.

“What’s she do?”

“Um, she teaches. At the university. Economics.”

“A professor?”

“Assistant professor.”

“Sounds nice.”

“Yeah, she is. She, ah, she’s confused about my job. I told her I was a research scientist at the FBI, which is true, kinda, but my hours aren’t… what she would expect. And I had a black eye on our second date, and, well…” Alex laughed, “I couldn’t exactly explain a Saturnian knocked me down in an escape attempt, now could I?”

“I guess not.”

“And you? How, um, is your… relationship going?”

“We just celebrated our one-month anniversary, so I think it’s going okay.” Maggie nodded. It was nice, low-key and supportive, dates when they could fit them in, the occasional overnight. It wasn’t anything like what she shared with Alex, but she didn’t mention the fact. “At least she doesn’t complain about my work schedule.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, she’s an ER doc so her hours are even worse than mine.”

“Another doctor?”

Maggie shrugged and dipped her head. “What can I say? I like them smart.”

When she lifted her head, Alex was staring at her, a little sad, a little thoughtful. “I’m… glad… you, you seem happy.” A silence stretched between them, until Alex broke eye contact. “What does she think about your pet alien?”

“Oh, she definitely doesn’t know what to do with Stitch.” With that, talk shifted to Stitch and her antics, and then to Kara, and dinner passed quickly. Almost too quickly, as Maggie rummaged an umbrella out of her hall closet and bid Alex goodnight.

Maggie leaned against the door, eyes closed, and wished for the day when seeing Alex didn’t send her into a tailspin of regret and longing.

Today was not that day.


	4. Seven Months

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I may have lied... I will need to post up the final chapter on Friday cuz tomorrow is my early day and I'm tinkering a little bit with it.

The alien bar hadn’t changed much in the intervening months, not that Maggie expected it to. A few regulars had waved when she and her co-workers had taken over a couple of tables in the middle of the bar. The celebration was short, just a couple of beers before everyone scattered, heading home to their families or boyfriends or girlfriends, leaving Maggie alone to finish her glass.

Maggie slid off the barstool and turned, spying Alex immediately. She too was alone, sitting in a corner booth and nursing a drink. When she saw Maggie, Alex waved her over.

Maggie snagged Stitch’s leash and warned the rambunctious alien to behave. To no effect, as it turned out. Stitch landed in Alex’s lap with an oomph and rolled on her back, presenting her belly for petting.

“Stitch!” Maggie tried to maneuver her off of Alex and out of the booth, but Alex encouraged Stitch by vigorously rubbing her belly. A huge smile lit Alex’s face as a deep rumble started in Stitch’s throat.

“Sorry, she hasn’t yet grokked the fact that she isn’t a lap dog anymore.” Maggie patted her leg and called to the pup, but she didn’t budge. “You aren’t helping,” she accused.

Alex pursed her lips, the mischievous glint in her eyes mirroring Stitch. “I’m supposed to help?”

Maggie rolled her eyes, taking a moment to count her blessings that she didn’t have the two of them teaming up on her on a regular basis, and tried again. “Stitch, down. Now.” The puppy gave a disgruntled bark but obeyed, nudging Maggie’s hand with her head. “Too late to apologize, pup.”

“She’s getting big.”

“Yeah, she is.” Stitch was tall and sleek, with the muscular lines of a doberman but, in coloring and in facial structure, looked like a miniature panther with weird, floppy ears.

Maggie glanced around the bar for Kara, Winn, or, heaven forbid, a date, but she didn’t see anyone, and there was only a single glass of bourbon on Alex’s table. “What are you up to?”

“Waiting for you.”

“Waiting for me?”

A second later, Alex enveloped her in a hug and all Maggie could do was melt into the embrace and breathe Alex in. It felt a little like coming home, peaceful, comfortable. Warmth competed with the ache of longing in her gut. It had been seven months since their last hug, on Maggie’s way out the door, and nothing before or after felt as good as Alex’s strong arms holding her tight.

“Congratulations.” The embrace ended, and Alex grabbed the small wood box off and the table and handed it to Maggie. “Kara told me about your promotion.”

A blush crawled up her cheeks. Maggie had debated texting Alex with the news and inviting her to the ceremony, but had chickened out. A stab of regret had lanced through her when she had looked out across the sea of faces and not seen Alex’s. Her showing up here, now, seemed to ease that somewhat.

“Aw, you didn’t have to get me anything,” she said as she slid open the lid. Maggie’s eyes bugged when she saw the bottle of Talisker 25 scotch. “Alex, you shouldn’t have.”

Alex shrugged, but she looked shyly pleased at Maggie’s reaction. “You deserve it. It’s not every day you make Sergeant.”

“Wow, um, thanks.” Maggie ran her hand through her hair, hitching it back behind her ear. She waved her hand at Alex’s nearly-empty glass.. “Why didn’t you join us?”

“I didn’t want to intrude.”

“Alex…” The distance between them, between what they once were and what they were now, was a vast chasm. The loss was like a physical blow, and Maggie missed, more than anything in that moment, her best friend. The person she could share all the moments, good and bad. “You are always welcome.” She dipped her head to meet Alex’s eyes. “You know that, right?”

Alex nodded, but she studied the floor, not raising her head. “Yeah. Thanks.”

Unsure what was going on with Alex, Maggie was about to suggest they sit and talk when Stitch whined at her feet. She sighed. “I’m sorry, I gotta take her for a walk.” Alex nodded and started to slide back into the booth. “You, uh, wanna go with us?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’d like that.”

Maggie locked the bottle of scotch in her squad car, and they headed in the direction of a small park near Alex’s apartment. The moon was nearly full and low in the sky, lighting their way better than the streetlights and casting skeletal shadows across the sidewalk at their feet.

Alex zipped her leather jacket up and stuffed her hands in her pockets, seemingly lost in thought. The moonlight accentuated the sharp angles of her face and shadowed her eyes. She looked sad, Maggie realized, but then, Maggie hadn’t seen her look happy–really truly happy–for more than a few brief seconds, in a long time.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“I heard you broke up with your girlfriend.”

Funny, Maggie hadn’t missed the woman she finished a three-month relationship, but Alex had been on her mind all day. “Yeah, a couple of days ago. Some things… just don’t work out.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah. It was nice but…” Maggie shook her head. Rebound relationships never really worked out, and Helene had said as much. Her exact words had been, _You’ll never get over her, and I’m not going to stay with someone in love with a ghost._

Maggie had expected it to hurt more than it did, but a huge part of her was still numb from the loss of Alex, so much so the lost of Helene had barely registered.

“I’m sorry.”

They walked in silence for a few minutes. Stitch strained on her leash when they reached the park, and Maggie crouched down to give her a hard rub. “Stay on the grass and away from people, okay?” Hunds were more intelligent than they had been given credit for, and Maggie had learned long ago that Stitch understood her very well. She nodded at Maggie’s directions. Maggie unsnapped the leash and she took off, running at breakneck speed across the park.

“Wow.”

“Yeah,” Maggie said proudly. “She’s something.”

Maggie could feel Alex’s gaze on her back, could almost see the melancholy in her eyes. She wondered if she would ever stop feeling this so intently, if there would be a day when this connection between them would fade. She wasn’t sure.

Maggie didn’t turn, didn’t stand, didn’t look at Alex. Instead she watched the shadows shift beneath her feet as trees swayed in the wind. “What’s on your mind, Alex?”

Alex sucked in a breath. “You had a big…” She sighed, gathering her words. “You got promoted, and I wasn’t there. I felt like a bad girlfriend, even though I’m… not, anymore. It… felt weird. It felt wrong, like I should have been there.”

“You could have come. As my friend.” Maggie toyed with the leash in her hands, worrying the leather strap between her fingers. “I–I would have liked that.”

Alex’s heel clicked on the sidewalk, and Maggie eased up, bracing herself before facing Alex. Alex was silhouetted against the moon, her face unreadable in the dark, her arms wrapped around her waist. “I can’t be your friend.” She gave a short shake of her head, underscoring her point. “I don’t know if I ever can be.”

Turning her head, Alex gazed at her, but Maggie couldn’t see her eyes for the shadow. “You remember telling me this would fade? That eventually it would just be a dull ache?” Maggie nodded, catching her lip in her teeth as those bitter words came rushing back. “That aching place? I’m not there. I’m never going to get there.”

“Alex—”

“Every time I see you, the pain is sharp and fresh and just… vivid. It never stops hurting.”

Maggie understood, because she felt it too. It had been seven, almost eight months, and it still felt like the day she walked out of their apartment and closed the door for the last time.

“You were trying to forgive me, remember? How, how’s that going?”

Stitch came racing back, skidding to a stop in front of Maggie, and she took a moment to re-attach the leash. When she straightened, she didn’t look at Alex. Glimmers of moonlight through the trees kaleidoscoped in her vision as tears gathered. “I think, I think I have. You remember what I told you after our first kiss? I told you relationships like ours never really work out.”

She let out a shaky breath. “We’re just at, we’ve always been at different places in our lives. We love each other but we’re never going to be in the same place, at the same time. I, I’ve accepted that.”

“Have you? Have you really?” There was a pleading note to Alex’s voice, under the hard edge to the question. Nobody could do angry and vulnerable like Alex. Nobody.

“I haven’t changed my mind, about the kids thing. I don’t want children.” Maggie squared up with Alex, finally. “What about you? Have you changed your mind?”

Alex hesitated, wavered, and for a moment, Maggie dared to hope. But then Alex shook her head, and Maggie deflated. “Nothing’s changed.” Catching Alex’s cheeks in her hands, Maggie looked deeply into her eyes. “Babe, you still want something I can’t give you. We still can’t be together.”

Alex dropped her gaze and nodded, her nose scrunched up in the effort to hold back tears. “I know.”

Maggie tilted her head to the side and bobbed her chin, blinking back her own tears. With a final, whispered, _I’m sorry_ , Alex disappeared into the dark.


	5. Nine months

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I can't keep fussing with this. Not loving the ending but I'm just going to go with it. Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. Thanks for reading.

Most people would assume that a hostage situation was heart-pounding excitement, all adrenaline with the hostages on constant alert, waiting for the chance to jump their captors and secure their freedom. The reality was that it was boring as hell, as minutes ticked into hours with nothing to do and nothing to occupy the mind.

Every tick of the second hand of the large clock on the wall pounded into the ache between Maggie’s eyes, and her fingers were growing numb from having her hands ziptied for way too long. Worst of all, she had to pee.

Most of the other hostages had been released as good faith gestures, but Maggie and the security guard were still being held, and it was starting to look like good faith was about to run short. The hostage-takers were fighting with each other, and the anger seemed likely to bubble over into violence at any moment. If Maggie and the other hostage were very lucky, they would take each other out. If they weren’t, she and the guard would be collateral damage from the alien weapons the criminals had used to break into the city records office.

The fact that they hadn’t gotten the records they needed only added fuel to the fire.

Their voices rose, and they were no longer focused on the entry points. Nor the hostages, for that matter, but there was no way Maggie or the guard could make it across the empty spaces to the exits unscathed.

Maggie hoped Stitch would be okay, hoped Alex would take her in. They would be good together, and maybe her death would free Alex, once and for all. Maybe all their pain would end. It was something, she supposed.

Stitch had been the first hostage released, part bargain, part threat, as Maggie had pointed out that they really didn’t want a police dog getting restless or hungry. The hostage-takers had taken one look at Stitch’s teeth and claws, and agreed quickly. The pup had whined when the young clerk had walked out with her, but she had obeyed.

Thoughts of Alex swam up and she banished them, ruthlessly. Or rather, she tried to, but they were too compelling and how else did she want to spend her last few minutes? Their first kiss, their last goodbye, and everything in between, floated through her mind. Even the months missing from each other’s lives. She considered each moment, carefully, lovingly, lined them up and re-lived them one after the other.

She only wished the last time she had seen Alex, she had told her the truth. _I love you. I never want to be without you. I wish we were together._

The shouting intensified, only to be ended by the terrifying whine of an unknown yet powerful weapon. The smell of ionized oxygen and charred flesh was overwhelming as the ringleader turned from the remains of his colleagues to the hostages.

“Time to end this.”

Maggie kicked out, striking him hard in the shin and sending him crashing to the floor. The guard rolled one way, and Maggie the other, as their captor scrambled to his feet. “Bitch.” He chased her, ignoring the guard who was sprinting toward an exit. Catching her shirt, he hauled her up and shook her before tossing her to the side. Jarring pain shot through her temple as Maggie’s forehead struck the edge of the counter, and she blinked, trying to clear the blood flowing into her eyes.

The gun was pointed squarely at her chest, and the sound of the charge revving up filled the room. He fired.

Only Supergirl was there to absorb the blast and knock the weapon out of his hands. A dizzying second later, he was gone and Alex was there.

“Maggie... are you okay?” Alex dropped her helmet by her knee and gathered Maggie in her arms, dragging her into a tight hug.

Maggie hissed in pain as the big-ass knife on Alex’s vest scraped against her skin. “Hugs feel better without the tactical gear,” she joked weakly.

“Shit.” Alex lowered Maggie into her lap and snipped the ziptie from her wrists. As she abandoned her gear, she got a field dressing out and pressed it against the wound on Maggie’s head.

“Hey.” Her voice was soft, so soft, as was her touch as her fingers stroked Maggie’s cheek. “Any other injuries?” Maggie shook her head gingerly, and Alex nodded. “Good... good. I, God, Maggie, I was so worried. I wanted to, they wouldn’t let us rush the building until… and I wanted…”

“Shhhh, it’s okay.” Alex’s breath was coming in shuddering gasps, and when she met Maggie’s gaze, she looked like something had broken inside of her. Maggie couldn’t ever remember that expression directed at her, not even when they ended their engagement. Tears were rolling down her cheeks, and Maggie reached out and wiped them away. “I’m okay, I just bumped my head, it’s just a cut.”

Maggie was glad of the partition that shielded them from the rest of the team. She knew Alex wouldn’t want everyone to see her tears, her trembling hands. With effort, Alex composed herself and scrubbed at the tear tracks on her cheeks. “I was worried about you.”

“I’m okay.” Alex bit her lip and nodded, a tight bob of her head. Her eyes were still bright but her breathing calmed. She called for another team member and slapped her hand back without a word. A first aid kit unfolded, and she opened a sterile wipe and started to clean the cut on Maggie’s forehead.

“Alex.”

“I just want to get a better look at it. Make sure you don’t need stitches.”

Alex’s hands steadied, as if the mere action of tending to Maggie soothed her, but every time she glanced into Maggie’s eyes, her lower lip quivered.

“Hey. I’m okay. Your sister saved the day, again, and I won’t even complain if there’s a giant hole in the ceiling.”

“They wouldn’t let us attempt a rescue. They made us wait, and then we were almost too late.” Alex sucked in a shuddering breath, and her fingers trembled against Maggie’s skin. “Maggie, what if we had been too late?”

Maggie laid her hand on Alex’s to stop the shaking. “You weren’t. You got here just in time. If you had come in when they were waiting for you, when there were more hostages, it could have been a bloodbath. Waiting saved lives. I know it’s not really your style, Danvers, but you and Supergirl are learning. Not quite as quickly as Stitch, but you are learning.”

The teasing earned her a small smile. “You did not just compare me to your alien puppy.”

Maggie raised an eyebrow, ignoring the lance of pain through her temple at the movement. For a long moment, Maggie just stared because she could, because she wasn’t dead, and let the weight of her gaze center Alex. Finally, Alex exhaled, and her shoulders slumped, like all the adrenaline drained from her body.

“I’m glad you’re okay. Waiting, out there, while you were in danger…”

“I know a little bit about that,” Maggie reminded her, remembering Alex trapped in the cell, floating in the water. Remembering the sick feeling in her gut when she thought they were too late.

“Yeah, yeah, I guess you do.” Maggie could tell Alex was thinking about what came after, those three words, a whispered confession in the med bay that named their feelings and bound them together. It seemed like so long ago.

Shying away from that particular conversation, Maggie braced against Alex’s knee and pushed herself to a sitting position. The room spun on a sickening axis before settling, and Alex’s arm slid around her shoulders to keep her from falling back.

With Alex’s help, Maggie got her feet under her and stood, pausing a second time as the room wobbled. Alex tightened her grip, almost crushing Maggie to her, and Maggie took advantage to rest her head on Alex’s shoulder. It was a moment of weakness, to let Alex’s strength be enough for both of them, but it felt so good. Breathing in the familiar scent of Alex’s body wash, Maggie’s eyes drifted shut.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, it’s just been a bitch of a day.” Maggie wished she could let go and sink into Alex, let Alex take care of her like she used to. But that would be unfair, to both of them, so she straightened and pushed off of Alex to take a careful step in the direction of the door. She ignored the way Alex’s hands ghosted her hips, poised to catch her if she stumbled. “I just want to go home and take a shower and cuddle on the couch with my puppy.”

“She’s outside. Kara and Winn looked after her.”

Alex followed her through the door, so close Maggie could feel her warmth at her back and her fingers on her elbow. The comforting touch was suddenly too real, too much like when they were together, and Maggie shied away from it. Alex sighed, a quiet, defeated sound, and shifted away to give Maggie space.

Maggie didn’t get a chance to repair whatever damage she had caused before Stitch was in her arms, nearly toppling her. Once she got the hund under control, an EMT caught her arm and guided her toward the bus. She craned her neck, catching a last glimpse of Alex, who waved before stepping back into the records office.

The next hour was a blur, an examination of her injuries, a short statement to her Captain, and then a ride back to her townhouse in the back of a squad car. Street lights flowed by as she stroked Stitch’s fur and the repetitive squeak of the wipers on the windshield hypnotized her into a near doze.

The misey in Alex’s eyes haunted her.

She wished she had taken the time to find her and apologize. But how would she tell her, _I’m sorry. I needed that so much it hurt and I can’t let my guard down. Not again._

Alex, her worry, her care, opened all the old wounds and caused new ones. Inhaling, Maggie concentrated on restoring her lost equilibrium, but it was no use. Maybe tomorrow, she could get back to her never-ending battle to get on with her life without Alex.

Today she didn’t have any more fight in her.

Maggie saluted the patrol officer as he pulled away from the curb and dodged raindrops as Stitch lead her to the door. Walking up three steps and turning the knob required almost all her strength, and she whispered thanks to Kara for making sure Stitch didn’t need a walk when she got home.

Stripping her clothes off as she trudged up the stairs, she turned the shower on as hot as she could stand and stood under the spray until her fingertips pickled and her body felt boneless. She picked up the sweats and sleep shirt from last night off the floor and pulled them on when she was done, too tired to dig in her drawer.

Stitch was already curled up on the couch, snoring slightly, and Maggie poured a glass of the Talisker and lit the fire before joining her. Raindrops splattered against the glass, and the night outside the window was black and cold.

A pounding on the door interrupted her contemplation of the rain, and Maggie started. Heart pounding, Maggie hurried to the door. It swung open to Alex, standing on her doorstep. Her leather jacket dripped rain, as did the ends of her hair. Maggie glimpsed her motorcycle parked in front of the house.

“Ale—”

Dropping her helmet on the hardwood with a thud, Alex framed her face with chilled hands and captured Maggie’s lips in a searing kiss. Rainwater soaked through Maggie’s t-shirt as their bodies crashed together, but the shock of the cold was drowned by the heat roaring through her veins.

Some sensible part of her brain whispered at her about control, about balance, about pain, but she didn’t listen as Alex deepened the kiss. Maggie could taste Alex’s desperation, her hunger, on her lips, like she was trying to erase the last nine months with a single kiss. When their mouths broke apart, Alex rested her forehead on Maggie’s as they stood, trembling.

“Alex, what the hell?” The words were supposed to be angry, indignant, loud, but they came out as a breathless whisper, and Maggie’s traitor hands were already sliding around Alex’s waist to tug her closer.

“I can’t keep doing this. I almost lost you, again, and I can’t, I can’t lose you. I can’t keep losing you.” Alex was crying, the tears mingling with the water dripping from her hair. “I can’t live like this. I miss you so much.”

Alex, real, solid, in her arms, was a dream come true. Like all dreams, it would evaporate as soon as she opened her eyes, so Maggie held on, eyes squeezed shut, as long as she could. She missed this, the crisp smell of leather and citrus, the steady beat of Alex’s heart in time with her own. It scared her how much.

“Maggie, I’m so sorry.” The whisper of breath ghosted over Maggie’s cheeks, and she blinked her eyes open to find Alex staring at her with such entreaty, with such need, she almost closed them again.

It was hard to look Alex in the eyes and tell her, “We can’t. Alex, we… decided. You can’t keep doing this.”

Alex’s hands slid down her cheeks and dropped to her side as she stepped back. She looked stricken, and Maggie hated herself from what she had to say. “We have… we have to figure out a way to move on from… this.”

Alex paled, and Maggie thought Alex might run away. Instead she squared her shoulders and stood her ground. “I can’t do it. Have you?”

Unable to lie, Maggie shook her head.

“Do you think more time or distance is going to help? Because I don’t.”

“Alex…” Maggie’s hands came up in front of her in a defensive gesture, an attempt to ward off Alex’s words. Alex caught them and folded them across her heart, and Maggie cursed them for shaking.

“I’ve given this a lot of thought. Do you remember… when I said if I deny the part of me that wants kids, that I would feel it forever?”

Maggie nodded. Like she would ever forget those last few moments, that last conversation, in their bed. She had slipped her ring off just a few minutes later and left it on the bedside table when she got up for a shower.

“What I didn’t realize at the time, was… that I would feel _this_ forever too. Losing you… I can’t stop feeling it.”

“We still can’t be together.” It felt like their breakup, in reverse. Instead of begging her to reconsider, Maggie felt like she was begging Alex to give up. She tried to slide her fingers out from Alex’s but Alex held tight. “You’d hate me if you settled and gave up your dream of being a mom.”

Anger flared in Alex’s eyes. “I hate myself now. I hate myself for giving up on you. On us. On letting you go. How…” Alex swallowed and her lip quivered as she fought back tears. “How is that any better? I’m just trading one dream for another. I want you.”

Maggie had been waiting to hear that, for so long, but she never thought she would. She leaned her head forward and felt Alex press a kiss against her forehead. “Are you sure? Do you understand what you’re giving up?”

“Better than when I let you go. Maggie… standing out there today, all I could think about was how, if I lost you, I would lose this piece of my heart forever. I would never recover.”

“I still don’t see myself as a mom.”

“I know, I know. And that’s okay, I’ll…”

Maggie shushed her with a finger over her lips. “You didn’t let me finish,. I don’t see myself as a mom, but sometimes, I can see us… being moms. Together.”

“Maggie, no, you don’t have to…”

“You remember when I told you we would never be in the same place, at the same time? We kept... it was all about what you wanted and what I wanted. We never slowed down and talked about what we wanted, together, beyond the house and the dog. We didn’t try to get to the same place. We didn’t take the time to get there.”

“Do you think we’re, are we there?”

“I don’t know. But maybe we can get there?” Maggie tilted her to the side, her lips curving into a small, sad smile. “I won’t lie, Alex. It won’t be easy. But you’re right. If we don’t try, we’re both going to feel it forever.”

Alex dragged a hand through Maggie’s hair and curled her fingers around the back of Maggie’s neck, her eyes searching Maggie’s. “I felt it, everyday, every goddamn moment. Every time I took a breath, it was like the jagged edges of my heart were ripping me to shreds.”

Nodding her understanding, Maggie leaned in, and Alex kissed her again, slow and sweet, like the promise of a new day. Maggie sank into it, into her, and let the warmth seep into her still-tattered heart.

“These last few months, they felt like forever. I never want to feel like that again.”

“Yeah, me too.”

They stood there, drinking each other in, for a long moment, before Maggie shivered. Alex glanced down. “I’m dripping all over your floor. And you are standing in a puddle with bare feet.”

Maggie laughed softly. “I should go change my shirt. You’ll, will you stay?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Alex promised.

When Maggie returned, Alex was on the couch with Stitch, waiting for her. She was staring out the window at the rain, much like Maggie had been earlier. The firelight softened the angles of her face and glittered in her eyes, and she never looked more beautiful. Turning, Alex welcomed Maggie into her arms, and Maggie snuggled into her warmth.

Stitch nestled into her legs and Maggie’s eyes grew heavy. She caught Alex’s hand in hers and brought it to her lips to brush a kiss over the knuckle, feeling content and whole for the first time in months. Their joined hands returned to her stomach, and Alex hugged her closer as Maggie drifted off. 


End file.
